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Jay Demello

HS-Elite
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Jay Demello last won the day on February 28

Jay Demello had the most liked content!

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About Jay Demello

  • Rank
    Minstral
  • Birthday 04/21/1963

Profile Information

  • Nickname
    JayD
  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    California
  • Interests
    Electronics,physics, music

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  1. I been asking myself that question since i started the Chemo. I don't know who i'm asking, but it starts a verification in my mind going over all the things i've said and done to people through out my life. I feel like i understand people better, the way they act, what they say what they do and how they are going to feel when i say or do something with them. I understand why i did things wrong when i knew it wasn't right. Am i done yet? have i learned what i was supposed to learn ? I feel i have and its like i'm just waiting to die now. Does things just go dark? or do we float out our bodies and meet with someone thats going to explain to us why we had to go through all this crap. I was never rich, I have never met a truely happy rich person. I've had an apartment, a truck, my own business for years, i've lived in a tent for two years. I have always felt the same feelings... good at times... bad at times....always more interested in why other people do what they do. I found faults in people ( in my opinion ) and always thought.... why aren't they like me ?. Did i judge people and find things i didn't like, to make me feel better about myself? I am finally at a point nearing the end of my life, that it's not about what people think of me, and it's not about what i find wrong with other people. It's about Me learning how to get through this all. Why wasn't i told all this when i was a young kid ? and then i could have started with a better understanding how to live this life? maybe i was told but i chose not to listen to my parents because i always thought i knew or i would figure it out myself. I get 4-5 blood tests a month now, and they moved my MRI's to once a month instead of 6 months, and i will be starting my 3rd round of Chemo very soon. Why are the doctors trying to save me ? and why am i allowing this? I feel like i'm just laying here in bed daily doing nothing but waiting to die. I'm not really depressed ( in my opinion ) I just feel like i'm done! there's really left to study that will benefit me in the future. I'm just keeping myself busy so i don't go stir-crazy. I would never kill myself, that's just bailing out of this life because it's too hard to deal with. Ok i have delt with it, liked some things, disliked some things, learned alot of stuff. Am i done yet ?
  2. I fully agree with you Kristina, what happend to Love your neighbor and respect one another ? Did opinions become more important then friendship? Are people just so involved in their personal lives that other people just don't matter as much ? Family should matter more then anything as it always has. They come first....Iv'e lost my mother,father,two grampas,two grandmas,two half brothers in a 5 year period. i have two sisters that hate eachother, I only talk to one a few times a year. My family was never that close, so it's normal for me to not really feel love or closeness to anyone, but i like to be a joker and make other people i talk to, Laugh. Sometimes i see really old black n white movies where a family lives on a farm or something, and that life must have been really special. Jay
  3. My Father was so angry all the time with us kids, complained about meals my mother cooked, complained about Everything we did. I didn't have any friends growing up, and on the rare chance i did find someone that liked me, they where scared to come to my house because of the anger my father showed to every person he was around. I started out like my mother, very content, drug and alcohol free, and never cussed, Very nice old fashion perfect being. but the yelling and screaming and hated by my father made me feel like i was the one with the problem. When your young and vunerable you tend to find things that make you feel better, like other kids your age going through the same thing as you. I didn't realize i was choosing the wrong kids to befriend because we would all talk about the things that bothered us, and spread almost a hatered towards our parents. Is THIS where loneliness takes us ? hunting for other people that are making you feel better because you see its just not you going through something. After choosing other kids that made me feel confortable, I realized they were pulling me deeper into a mindset that i was not comfortable with. I tried to find different people that had a more possitive attitude, but i wasn't used to the love,kindness and caring that they where showing me. So after not being able to click with people, i just started doing my own things, electronics riding my bike alone, finding things that made me happy. Everyone in school had their own groups of others they would hang out with and do things together, and i wanted that closeness but didn't know how to act around all these happy people.It wasn't until i got much older (56 next month in april ) that i realized loneliness has made me step back and look where i was going while getting a better understanding how other people look at life and where moving on. Loneliness to me now is just being bored with myself. I volunteered at an animal shelter for awhile. That made me happy, I started learning another programming language and more about networking. THIS is fixing my loneliness, just doing things that i enjoy without any judgement from someone else. You may read this and think, thats pretty sad because YOU have many friends and you all go out to movies and dinner and text eachother. I'm happy for you all and have no jealousy towards you, and i want you to know at the same time, I am NOT sad because i had no friends, i've learned to just do what i do and make myself happy without input from other people. Can't remember where i heard this before, but someone said not to focus on making other people happy so they like you, but to focus on yourself and others will see that and will come to you.
  4. Jay Demello

    Sympathy

    I never really felt comfortable recieving Sympathy. I've never needed it, but yet i felt it was my duty to liston to other peoples stories without preparing for what i was going to say before they finished speaking. i would focus on their story with no opinion until their story was complete. It was something that my neurologist would do when i was talking to him about my cancer. It was something that made me feel comfortable telling him how i was feeling, knowing he was listening to every word i said. When i finished speaking, there would be a pause while he was thinking what to respond with. It was so professional and likeable and i felt it was something that i wanted to add to my life. So i have Sympathy for people yet i don't want it from other people, it's embarrasing! it makes me feel lower then the person i'm talking to. It's not comfortable, But there is this calmness and trust type of feeling that seems to be pre programmed in my soul that makes everything feel better. Every time i re read this, it's like i'm ping ponging back and forth, is it good? is it bad? I think the best way to understand this is... I will except it as a good feeling with no words or judgements.
  5. In 2016, I lost my apartment do to having too many pets, mainly Rats, Free Running 80 to 100. Don't cringe, they were like a bunch of little puppies. They took over everything. I will post my animal story later. but needless to say, i got the boot. I had no where to go, living on disability i could not afford another first and last somewhere else. I ended up living in the driveway of my old welding bosses flatbed truck, in the cab of course. His daughter was renting rooms to collage students, and when she found out i was living in a truck in her driveway, she asked me took leave. My X boss drove me around looking for a place to live on the street. We went to a place called Peoples Park in Berkeley Ca. It was disgusting, people all over the sidewalk, on the grass, No tents where seen, bottles and trash everywhere. Needless to say, i told him to keep driving. We saw a group of tents, about 9 or 10 right next to the Bart tracks my a main road and coffee shop and a few other stores. The camp was really clean looking. We stopped there and got out. We walked up to a couple sitting outside their tent on lounge chairs. I introduced myself and told them my situation. They where quick to let me in and brought me over to their supply tent and pulled out a used tent and some blankets. They showed me where i could put the tent, and while setting it up, they explained to me that they were a protest camp, fighting to get all the homeless off the streets. It was drug and alcohol free .They had 3 attorneys going to court , and some of the members were going to city counsel meetings every couple weeks. I was amazed how organized they where. They brought me to the kitchen tent where there was a long table full of donated food,water,supplies. i stayed with them for around 11 months. during that time, the group grew to 25-30 tents. Some friend of theirs worked for a solar panel company that tested panels, but couldn't sell them after being tested, so he brought us 6 or 8 panels. money was donated for the inverters and large boat batteries . We where given many large extension cords,and one guy hooked up the inverters to the batteries, and i ran all the cables to everyone's tents. All our tents where lit up with internal bed lights. Some people had radios,laptops and small heaters. We had three different television stations come over and did interviews with us with all their camera's and lights. It was crazy. We had students from the University Of California Berkeley come by a few times and did stories about us. I have pictures of all this i will post on here somewhere. The groups name was " First they came for the homeless" and there where supporters driving by daily dropping off food,water,pizza,cookies chicken dinners and we Never ran out of food. On the other side of the Bart tracks was a smaller camp of maybe 8-10. they took over a small park very near a kids school. This camp was very dirty, and the public complained about them daily. One day a young girl overdosed and died. two weeks later that camp was closed down. and the public wanted US out too just too get all the homeless away from them, but they failed because we were fighting for the homeless. The public complained to the Bart police, but they said it wasn't their property. After another month or so, Bart people came out taking a survey to see if we really were on their property and not the cities. Turned out we WHERE on their property so the police came and gave us a 72 hour notice to leave, posting signs on the trees. The founder of our group told us we where all going to the old city hall to continue the protest there, but 1/3 of us did NOT want to go because we knew it was just another temporary place. Me and two other guys went hunting for somewhere that might be more permanent and on city property because the judge told us if we where on city property we would be safe because we had a court case pending. So we found a place just near a place called Aquatic Park. It was on city property. railroad tracks behind us, on ramp to 80 freeway and 50 feet from the lake. We took pictures and brought them back to the camp and 20 minutes later 1/3 of us was loading trucks from our supporters and headed down to our new home. the founder of the group was pissed but we explained we where not going to city hall. About 8 of us started putting up our tents, raking the grounds, putting up some of the solar panels we brought and made our new home. The other 1/3 went to old city hall and the last 1/3 moved their tents off Bart property closer to the street. they did not want to go to old city hall either. Our camp ended up having over 40 tents and some tents had couples, so more then 45-50 people all together. Some one donated an out door camping shower that i hooked up and built a wooden wall around. Our kitchen was in a donated outdoor car port, it was huge. The mayor of Berkeley even came by with a few other people, asking me what we needed, i told him we need a porta potty so we didn't have to go into the parks porta potty when the park was closed, he said... "what else do you need?" I told him we need a dumpster for our trash instead of loading the parks cans up daily. I walked him and his people through the camp, and he was very impressed. after he left, we never got the dumpster or the porta potty, but we did have park workers in big dump trucks come by twice a week. This camp's people started doing drugs and drinking, It really got bad. People started stealing from each other. The founder ended up taking the name "First they came for the homeless" off our camp site and we lost supporters and everything came crashing down. I left the camp heading for old city hall, and our group up there was removed already. I found a place on the steps with a couple other people and just could NOT handle sleeping on the street with no food, no support, no tent. I wanted to die. The police station was 30 feet away, and i walked in and said " I need help " They told me there is nothing they can do, there are to many people in my situation. I was so upset and walked out. I walked about a mile to a homeless shelter and was waiting in line when i saw two guys staring at me in line. it didn't feel right, i grabbed my backpack and started walking up the street and looked back, and saw them following me. i jumped into this store and out the windows, i saw these two guys across the street waiting for me to come out. I went up to the guy behind the counter and asked him to call the police. He kept asking me why. Then i saw a one of the guys come in the store and acted like he was reading a magazine while looking up at me. i told the guy behind the counter again in an angry tone... "Call the police NOW" he got on the phone, and 5 minutes later two cops walk in, and took me out to their cars and ask me what i needed them to do for me, i told them i need help, I've never been homeless and i am scared and hungry. He told me they could not do anything for me. I started crying. One cop walked to his car, sat in the front seat writing something down. 10 minutes later, he grabbed my backpack and put it in his trunk, and me in the back and we took off. He took me to a mental hospital called John George. They kept me there for 3 days, I slept on a couch in the main room with many other people. Then i was escorted to a building a little ways away called Jay Mauler or something like that. It was nice, breakfast,lunches and dinners and a snack time. i had my own room. They had a large TV and a room with a guitar and piano and a tred mill. I stayed there for 2 weeks. that is the limit there. A friend of mine called me and asked " where you gonna go now ?" i told her i had no idea. she said " I'll call you right back" couple minutes later she said she had a friend that runs a transitional house, and i met the guy and moved in. i share a room with one other guy. there is 3 rooms and a large attic with 9 beds up there. there's 15 people here, 1 bathroom and rent takes almost all my disability check. I'm stuck for awhile, but i have a roof over my head and im not on the streets. I have a better understanding of what real homeless people are going through, living on the sidewalks in the rain and cold. every time i walk pass someone laying on the street, i give them a few dollars and talk with them for a bit. Some refuse help from programs because they will be forced into classes/groups and have to leave after breakfast to go look for jobs walking around all day until the shelter opens back up. It is hard for mentally ill people to move forward in the position their in. Most just want to stay on the sidewalk with their can for money. I want to help, but i can't and that hurts me knowing that our government is spending more money fighting other countries wars and not taking care of our own people first. Jay DeMello
  6. I've had a few breakups but most of them was i didn't want to be tied up with this girl because of my own personal issues not being able to have free time for myself, she wanted 24/7 communications, if i wasn't with her, she wanted to be on the phone with me planning the next time i was going to come back. this happened with 3 relations. I got angry probably because i felt i was losing my personal space. so those relationships didn't really hurt me. I did have one girl that i fell in love with. I wasn't ever with her, but she liked me when we were younger but i was with someone else at the time. i saw her years later and she gave me her phone number then address. the first time i went to her house and saw her, i fell in love right away. we talked in her backyard and i couldn't stop looking at her and kept telling her how beautiful she was, i probably acted like some animal waiting to get fed. she seemed to start backing off then told me she didn't want a relationship. after some sad small talk, i left. I wanted her so bad and ended up calling her and begging for some more time together and she said not any more, and i started crying, she asked me .... Are you crying ? ... and i said NO i'm not, a minute later we where off the phone. I tried to think why ? what did i do ? and i thought.... shit, i'm acting just like the last girls that i broke up with. i was being to forward , to pushy and probably sounded desperate . I've been single over 15 years and have been somewhat comfortable but i think that's where i took a path in a different direction, always wondering what it would have been like with a house and a picket fence, 2 cars and kids. I'm sure i would have been a different person, when i go to friends houses that are married, there seem to be allot of arguing and different opinions between them and sometimes it seems they almost hate being together at times. That is what scared me, not wanting to be in that position feeling stuck thinking i love her, but i hate everything she does. Everybody has their own opinions, and i hope you don't hate me for what iv'e said, but i sure would love to hear what you thing and feel about being in a relation and/or being single.
  7. Thank you, it really does make me feel better actually hearing that someone has gone through what I've had. I've heard people talk about other people with cancer/depression/ diabetes and other illnesses and I just though 'wow that sux' but hearing the story directly from someone , really makes me feel for them much more. It even surpasses doctors telling you what to do. Learning from other people's experiences and how they deal with it gives you more knowledge and ideas that can help you/me. Thanx so much for opening up to me !
  8. Hi people, this is a little site I made to share some personal stuff that interested me for years
  9. I am not offended in any way, when I say God, I'm not thinking of this one person that created man, that's really hard to believe. Our world is over 4.5 billion years old, and dinosaurs were extinct 65 million years ago. We don't even know how long they lived before that. They say God created us in his own image, but the first thing that comes to my mind is, he must have looked like a dinosaur cuz they were created before us. No really... 1000's of years ago, kings where called Gods. Rulers of the kingdoms. We've only been on this planet for a short time and we have the DNA structure cataloged and are modifying it to the point where we can create babies with blonde,brown,black hair light skin,dark skin whatever we want. We could be considered Gods ourselves. Star trek captains always said their was a prime directive when it came to dealing with another race. I believe their is advanced races out their that follow some sort of a prime directive as well. Let people advance in their own time without any collusion from higher races. Someone has created this prime directive that all seem to follow. Is that what God is ? I have no idea
  10. Most of my life I've felt lonely, I just never fit in with the people I grew up with. My ideas of fun was playing with wires and electronics. It hurts alot when people don't except you and I kind of got used to it. Every once in awhile I would find someone with semi common ideas but it wouldn't last as far as friendships. What I ended up doing is finding something I like about another person and learning it, then moving on looking for things i liked in other people. Never had a real friend but i was building myself up from the good things i found in other people. I still feel a bit lonely at times, but i use that alone time to learn things that i enjoy. You really dont need other people around you all the time and you dont need to always wonder what people think of you. That can really damage your mind set feeling your being judged by others. Judge yourself on how much you've learned and understand that everyone is going through the same learning process as you.
  11. Jay Demello

    Beachfront [005]

    I wish I could say "that's my backyard" I love the old wood. It looks from that direction of the camera shot, it's all flat lands, no mountains.
  12. Jay Demello

    Golden Retriever

    Smiling with the stick in his mouth and the head tilt, looks like he's having the time of his life.
  13. What is life really about ? I believe in a higher power, our creator, God. I've always wondered why our souls seem to be stuck in these bodies in a world with so much bias and hate. We get judged by people that have their own opinions and seem to be set in their ways. We give our own opinions to other people with the intention of helping them out, but at times turns into an argument. What is the meaning of growing up and learning from other people and forming opinions that may clash with people we never met? This can sometimes create jealousy and/or hatred. In my personal opinion, i believe we where put here to balance our life and teach our souls of good and bad and where given the choice to chose. I find in people many things i like, and it is my choice to absorb the goodness in others to help purify my soul. Once my soul is pure light and energy, i can leave this shell behind and merge with the love of the universe and become one. This is My opinion and what i feel i've learned. I would love to hear other opinions because i will never stop learning ! jay
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