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Jay Demello

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Jay Demello last won the day on June 8

Jay Demello had the most liked content!

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About Jay Demello

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  • Birthday 04/21/1963

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    Electronics,physics, music

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  1. I been asking myself that question since i started the Chemo. I don't know who i'm asking, but it starts a verification in my mind going over all the things i've said and done to people through out my life. I feel like i understand people better, the way they act, what they say what they do and how they are going to feel when i say or do something with them. I understand why i did things wrong when i knew it wasn't right. Am i done yet? have i learned what i was supposed to learn ? I feel i have and its like i'm just waiting to die now. Does things just go dark? or do we float out our bodies and meet with someone thats going to explain to us why we had to go through all this crap. I was never rich, I have never met a truely happy rich person. I've had an apartment, a truck, my own business for years, i've lived in a tent for two years. I have always felt the same feelings... good at times... bad at times....always more interested in why other people do what they do. I found faults in people ( in my opinion ) and always thought.... why aren't they like me ?. Did i judge people and find things i didn't like, to make me feel better about myself? I am finally at a point nearing the end of my life, that it's not about what people think of me, and it's not about what i find wrong with other people. It's about Me learning how to get through this all. Why wasn't i told all this when i was a young kid ? and then i could have started with a better understanding how to live this life? maybe i was told but i chose not to listen to my parents because i always thought i knew or i would figure it out myself. I get 4-5 blood tests a month now, and they moved my MRI's to once a month instead of 6 months, and i will be starting my 3rd round of Chemo very soon. Why are the doctors trying to save me ? and why am i allowing this? I feel like i'm just laying here in bed daily doing nothing but waiting to die. I'm not really depressed ( in my opinion ) I just feel like i'm done! there's really left to study that will benefit me in the future. I'm just keeping myself busy so i don't go stir-crazy. I would never kill myself, that's just bailing out of this life because it's too hard to deal with. Ok i have delt with it, liked some things, disliked some things, learned alot of stuff. Am i done yet ?
  2. I fully agree with you Kristina, what happend to Love your neighbor and respect one another ? Did opinions become more important then friendship? Are people just so involved in their personal lives that other people just don't matter as much ? Family should matter more then anything as it always has. They come first....Iv'e lost my mother,father,two grampas,two grandmas,two half brothers in a 5 year period. i have two sisters that hate eachother, I only talk to one a few times a year. My family was never that close, so it's normal for me to not really feel love or closeness to anyone, but i like to be a joker and make other people i talk to, Laugh. Sometimes i see really old black n white movies where a family lives on a farm or something, and that life must have been really special. Jay
  3. My Father was so angry all the time with us kids, complained about meals my mother cooked, complained about Everything we did. I didn't have any friends growing up, and on the rare chance i did find someone that liked me, they where scared to come to my house because of the anger my father showed to every person he was around. I started out like my mother, very content, drug and alcohol free, and never cussed, Very nice old fashion perfect being. but the yelling and screaming and hated by my father made me feel like i was the one with the problem. When your young and vunerable you tend to find things that make you feel better, like other kids your age going through the same thing as you. I didn't realize i was choosing the wrong kids to befriend because we would all talk about the things that bothered us, and spread almost a hatered towards our parents. Is THIS where loneliness takes us ? hunting for other people that are making you feel better because you see its just not you going through something. After choosing other kids that made me feel confortable, I realized they were pulling me deeper into a mindset that i was not comfortable with. I tried to find different people that had a more possitive attitude, but i wasn't used to the love,kindness and caring that they where showing me. So after not being able to click with people, i just started doing my own things, electronics riding my bike alone, finding things that made me happy. Everyone in school had their own groups of others they would hang out with and do things together, and i wanted that closeness but didn't know how to act around all these happy people.It wasn't until i got much older (56 next month in april ) that i realized loneliness has made me step back and look where i was going while getting a better understanding how other people look at life and where moving on. Loneliness to me now is just being bored with myself. I volunteered at an animal shelter for awhile. That made me happy, I started learning another programming language and more about networking. THIS is fixing my loneliness, just doing things that i enjoy without any judgement from someone else. You may read this and think, thats pretty sad because YOU have many friends and you all go out to movies and dinner and text eachother. I'm happy for you all and have no jealousy towards you, and i want you to know at the same time, I am NOT sad because i had no friends, i've learned to just do what i do and make myself happy without input from other people. Can't remember where i heard this before, but someone said not to focus on making other people happy so they like you, but to focus on yourself and others will see that and will come to you.
  4. Jay Demello


    I never really felt comfortable recieving Sympathy. I've never needed it, but yet i felt it was my duty to liston to other peoples stories without preparing for what i was going to say before they finished speaking. i would focus on their story with no opinion until their story was complete. It was something that my neurologist would do when i was talking to him about my cancer. It was something that made me feel comfortable telling him how i was feeling, knowing he was listening to every word i said. When i finished speaking, there would be a pause while he was thinking what to respond with. It was so professional and likeable and i felt it was something that i wanted to add to my life. So i have Sympathy for people yet i don't want it from other people, it's embarrasing! it makes me feel lower then the person i'm talking to. It's not comfortable, But there is this calmness and trust type of feeling that seems to be pre programmed in my soul that makes everything feel better. Every time i re read this, it's like i'm ping ponging back and forth, is it good? is it bad? I think the best way to understand this is... I will except it as a good feeling with no words or judgements.
  5. Thank you, it really does make me feel better actually hearing that someone has gone through what I've had. I've heard people talk about other people with cancer/depression/ diabetes and other illnesses and I just though 'wow that sux' but hearing the story directly from someone , really makes me feel for them much more. It even surpasses doctors telling you what to do. Learning from other people's experiences and how they deal with it gives you more knowledge and ideas that can help you/me. Thanx so much for opening up to me !
  6. Hi people, this is a little site I made to share some personal stuff that interested me for years
  7. I am not offended in any way, when I say God, I'm not thinking of this one person that created man, that's really hard to believe. Our world is over 4.5 billion years old, and dinosaurs were extinct 65 million years ago. We don't even know how long they lived before that. They say God created us in his own image, but the first thing that comes to my mind is, he must have looked like a dinosaur cuz they were created before us. No really... 1000's of years ago, kings where called Gods. Rulers of the kingdoms. We've only been on this planet for a short time and we have the DNA structure cataloged and are modifying it to the point where we can create babies with blonde,brown,black hair light skin,dark skin whatever we want. We could be considered Gods ourselves. Star trek captains always said their was a prime directive when it came to dealing with another race. I believe their is advanced races out their that follow some sort of a prime directive as well. Let people advance in their own time without any collusion from higher races. Someone has created this prime directive that all seem to follow. Is that what God is ? I have no idea
  8. Most of my life I've felt lonely, I just never fit in with the people I grew up with. My ideas of fun was playing with wires and electronics. It hurts alot when people don't except you and I kind of got used to it. Every once in awhile I would find someone with semi common ideas but it wouldn't last as far as friendships. What I ended up doing is finding something I like about another person and learning it, then moving on looking for things i liked in other people. Never had a real friend but i was building myself up from the good things i found in other people. I still feel a bit lonely at times, but i use that alone time to learn things that i enjoy. You really dont need other people around you all the time and you dont need to always wonder what people think of you. That can really damage your mind set feeling your being judged by others. Judge yourself on how much you've learned and understand that everyone is going through the same learning process as you.
  9. Jay Demello

    Beachfront [005]

    I wish I could say "that's my backyard" I love the old wood. It looks from that direction of the camera shot, it's all flat lands, no mountains.
  10. Jay Demello

    Golden Retriever

    Smiling with the stick in his mouth and the head tilt, looks like he's having the time of his life.
  11. What is life really about ? I believe in a higher power, our creator, God. I've always wondered why our souls seem to be stuck in these bodies in a world with so much bias and hate. We get judged by people that have their own opinions and seem to be set in their ways. We give our own opinions to other people with the intention of helping them out, but at times turns into an argument. What is the meaning of growing up and learning from other people and forming opinions that may clash with people we never met? This can sometimes create jealousy and/or hatred. In my personal opinion, i believe we where put here to balance our life and teach our souls of good and bad and where given the choice to chose. I find in people many things i like, and it is my choice to absorb the goodness in others to help purify my soul. Once my soul is pure light and energy, i can leave this shell behind and merge with the love of the universe and become one. This is My opinion and what i feel i've learned. I would love to hear other opinions because i will never stop learning ! jay
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