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Brian Klein Brian Klein
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Am I Done Yet?

Jay Demello

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I been asking myself that question since i started the Chemo. I don't know who i'm asking, but it starts a verification in my mind going over all the things i've said and done to people through out my life. I feel like i understand people better, the way they act, what they say what they do and how they are going to feel when i say or do something with them. I understand why i did things wrong when i knew it wasn't right. Am i done yet? have i learned what i was supposed to learn ?  I feel i have and its like i'm just waiting to die now. Does things just go dark? or do we float out our bodies and meet with someone thats going to explain to us why we had to go through all this crap. I was never rich, I have never met a truely happy rich person. I've had an apartment, a truck, my own business for years, i've lived in a tent for two years. I have always felt the same feelings... good at times... bad at times....always more interested in why other people do what they do. I found faults in people ( in my opinion ) and always thought.... why aren't they like me ?. Did i judge people and find things i didn't like, to make me feel better about myself?

 I am finally at a point nearing the end of my life, that it's not about what people think of me, and it's not about what i find wrong with other people. It's about Me learning how to get through this all. Why wasn't i told all this when i was a young kid ? and then i could have started with a better understanding how to live this life? maybe i was told but i chose not to listen to my parents because i always thought i knew or i would figure it out myself.

I get 4-5 blood tests a month now, and they moved my MRI's to once a month instead of 6 months, and i will be starting my 3rd round of Chemo very soon. Why are the doctors trying to save me ? and why am i allowing this? I feel like i'm just laying here in bed daily doing nothing but waiting to die. I'm not really depressed ( in my opinion ) I just feel like i'm done! there's really left to study that will benefit me in the future. I'm just keeping myself busy so i don't go stir-crazy.  I would never kill myself, that's just bailing out of this life because it's too hard to deal with. Ok i have delt with it, liked some things, disliked some things, learned alot of stuff. Am i done yet ?

 



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I don't know who i'm asking, but it starts a verification in my mind going over all the things i've said and done to people through out my life.

This is an interesting thought process and one I would love to understand and study, all the more. I know it sounds morbid, but I've often said to people, cancer was a blessing to me; don't get me wrong I do get some pretty weird looks when I state this, but in a way it does shape you to your core and snap you into, or in some cases, out of, a mindset you once had. I know it is not the easiest thing in the world to swallow, one's own mortality, but man does it put into perspective the ailment we call life.

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have i learned what i was supposed to learn ?

I am often reminded of an old saying, "If you have to ask, you will never know. If you know, you need only ask."

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Does things just go dark? or do we float out our bodies and meet with someone thats going to explain to us why we had to go through all this crap.

I know it is not easy to go through what you are going through, I try to keep a mindset that, this was worth something if, for nothing else, I met you.

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I was never rich, I have never met a truely happy rich person. I've had an apartment, a truck, my own business for years,

I have to agree with you here, I myself have never been a rich individual either (financially wise). It has been my experience that most rich individuals (I mean the truly rich ones too) tend to give it all up and make themselves comfortable living a life of solitude in some small house or apartment. Well, I should say, the wise ones. 

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I get 4-5 blood tests a month now, and they moved my MRI's to once a month instead of 6 months, and i will be starting my 3rd round of Chemo very soon.

You, good sir, keep us informed as to the progress. These get read by many and most definitely read by me.

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