I have been thinking a lot these last few months about friendship and what it really means. Having lost a great friend this year; a friend that I’d call ‘brother’, and in so many ways, he was a more so a brother than even my own blood – he was more attentive and more caring than any other person that I’ve met (with the exception of one – my wife, My wife deserves so much more than I could ever give her - keep in mind that she was the one that stood by my side, married me, and all while he was dying in a deathbed beside us. We got married in a Hospice (yes - his final request, to be my best man). And she, this beacon of hope was there through the whole thing, suffering just as I.
Hell I had a sister-in-law making fun of the situation, laughing and ridiculing the entire event, even knowing the pain she went through, when they found her father dead in that hotel room – her most common phrase to me ‘god, just chill out.’ Acting as if she was joking in some crazy way, only to see the look of disgust on her face, knowing she wasn’t.
And that was just the beginning of what would be the nightmare. My own blood related sister would often state to me the phrase ‘you annoy me.’ And other uplifting phrases and during this time as well. It seemed there was light though – when my blood related brother would come over, seeing him at least once a year would make me happy, but again I was wrong, he would only do so with the expectation of telling me how wrong every thought I ever had was, and would do it with the expectation of intentionally making me angry; just to state to me that I had anger issues and no one could see why. (to this day it annoys me so much, because those words were used throughout my childhood - well those words and other little gems such as 'spaz' , 'vidiot' and 'you're a joke', they annoyed me just as bad as the father that abandoned me as a child, that everyone says I look identical to - only having seen him once my entire life for 6 months – when I had to find him. Every day he would criticize my mother, often forgetting I was in the room, and the fact that I traveled from San Diego to Florida to meet him) I would turn to my mother, and let loose my frustrations, but I would only to see her cry and argue that I wouldn’t listen to her, listen to what! It was she who should be listening to me! I went to her! But, she is not to blame - she is damaged herself. She only made the best choices she could with the cards that she had - In her own way, I admire her; which is why when my friend died, leaving me the deed to his house, I gave it to her. I am not allowed to vent, or express my own thoughts, for when I do, I am met with resistance at every turn.
It is as if I am being punished for this, being tortured for something I would not – could not understand; I would turn to my soul friend on the net, but even he lived in another state, hell he was busy, busy, he is to busy with work, more important than life and living. I began to ask myself at that point what does my life mean, what could it mean. I began to think I shouldn’t be here, I should have been dead at thirteen years old, it's not by some natural process that I am alive, it was science that kept me punished; it wasn't it was the natural order of things - was death.
Surviving Cancer twice by 18 (the first time at 13 the second time at 16), watching a best friend die at 23 of cancer, and now a man I called brother dies from cancer at only 63, one of the most joyful moments in my life - Gone. What did I do to deserve such hate from the family, from nature, from god?
Then in that instant I remembered; her face, the way she closed her eyes when she would kiss the air; when she would kiss me, my wife, my friend.
What does friendship mean to you?
Sources and Discussion Topics:
- Friendship | WBT | - https://community.humanastory.com/topic/647-friendship/
- Why Old Friends Matter | Life is Good | https://community.humanastory.com/topic/709-why-old-friends-matter/