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I been asking myself that question since i started the Chemo. I don't know who i'm asking, but it starts a verification in my mind going over all the things i've said and done to people through out my life. I feel like i understand people better, the way they act, what they say what they do and how they are going to feel when i say or do something with them. I understand why i did things wrong when i knew it wasn't right. Am i done yet? have i learned what i was supposed to learn ? I feel i have and its like i'm just waiting to die now. Does things just go dark? or do we float out our bodies and meet with someone thats going to explain to us why we had to go through all this crap. I was never rich, I have never met a truely happy rich person. I've had an apartment, a truck, my own business for years, i've lived in a tent for two years. I have always felt the same feelings... good at times... bad at times....always more interested in why other people do what they do. I found faults in people ( in my opinion ) and always thought.... why aren't they like me ?. Did i judge people and find things i didn't like, to make me feel better about myself?
I am finally at a point nearing the end of my life, that it's not about what people think of me, and it's not about what i find wrong with other people. It's about Me learning how to get through this all. Why wasn't i told all this when i was a young kid ? and then i could have started with a better understanding how to live this life? maybe i was told but i chose not to listen to my parents because i always thought i knew or i would figure it out myself.
I get 4-5 blood tests a month now, and they moved my MRI's to once a month instead of 6 months, and i will be starting my 3rd round of Chemo very soon. Why are the doctors trying to save me ? and why am i allowing this? I feel like i'm just laying here in bed daily doing nothing but waiting to die. I'm not really depressed ( in my opinion ) I just feel like i'm done! there's really left to study that will benefit me in the future. I'm just keeping myself busy so i don't go stir-crazy. I would never kill myself, that's just bailing out of this life because it's too hard to deal with. Ok i have delt with it, liked some things, disliked some things, learned alot of stuff. Am i done yet ?
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I am reminded of that momentariness of the journey, that lonely walk; we all will take at some point in our lives. I am reminded of this perversion of life, on a daily basis. Most people will never experience the daily reminder of how precious they really are, or how life really is - this amazing journey through what can only be described as the cavern of time and space.
Today we send our love and respect to Helen Taft, the loss of a monument of experience, and life; an elderly woman not known to many, but she affected everyone who had the pleasure to meet and get to know her intimately, in some way. To me, she was a pillar of life; I will remember her laugh most of all. The laugh of an angel who endured life and kept on, keeping on, rest well Helen.
Not two days ago her son came to me requesting I speak with my connections in getting her into Hospice. I knew, at that point, it was only days. She was well aware of her cancer, and by now, this being the fourth fight with, her demon, cancer; by now she was exhausted from the fight, having gone to her house to make sure the request asked of me, was indeed, the one she wanted, I watched as she had a hard time gasping between breaths. I won't claim to understand her thoughts, but I do understand her plight, having had this monster twice myself by 18, and don't get me wrong; I question why i am even alive on a daily basis, because even I should not be here.
If I could relay just one message to anyone who hears or sees the daily content we provide it would be that while you sit here reading this entry - Think on the positive nature of life and remember that life is to be cherished. And for the love of all that is alive; Live, love, laugh (A lot) and, know you are loved. This life is short, and you are here only the blink of an eye, understand this well.
Remember to reflect on your own timeline. What have you done to improve yourself in the eyes of others? It is their memories of you that will endure the passage of time. It is how you lived that will reflect on how people remember you.
Helen you will be missed, but may Mark escort you to peace, the relaxing adventure awaits. You both are greatly missed.
On a small side note I would like to throw in the Suicide Prevention information in the Sources, having only heard of this today, a gentleman a few days back, shot himself in desperation and had no one to talk to. Remember these feelings are only temporary. George, may your soul find peace.
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What is family to you? I think it is different for everyone. For me personally... family means you stick up for one another, you are there in the good and bad times, and always show support and respect for each other. All too often these days family does not relate back to blood. Most families are friends that have been in your life and show you love and respect when your blood relatives either don't want to make the time or they simply don't care enough to bother with anyone outside of themselves and their day to day lives. I do know there are families out there that do stay together, work together, live in harmony together and build each other up like they should... but from my perspective this seems to be fewer and far between these days and it is disheartening.
Consider yourself lucky if you have parents that are still alive and together, where your siblings hang out with you all the time, and where your kids just want to be around you because they love you and enjoy your company, and when everyone gets together there are just hugs all around and good memories shared.
I do consider myself lucky to have an amazing husband, two loving mothers, and a couple friends that I would consider family.
But there are times when I think of the cliche "why can't we all just get along?" and wonder how everyone these days seems like a broken family and they are all distant from one another.
Here's hoping that some day the selfishness will fade, the judgement will cease, and all that remains will be love.
HUGS to all that read this... because everyone deserves a hug and to feel appreciated and loved like family.