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The one thing I've learned is that losing weight is NOT easy, but given the dedication and time it IS possible. I will be tracking my weight loss and expressing my feelings about it here in hopes to motivate myself properly.
- My Beginning Weight | 240
- My Goal Weight | 185
Day 01 | 01 FEB 2020
- Calories Eaten |
- Activity Today |
Summary of how I feel today
- Today is a beautiful day,
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So this has been a hard topic for me. I don't know how or who to turn to. I have some mixed feelings on this subject. So, lets start at the beginning! My daughter's new counselor diagnosed her with ADHD. Now, I'm not saying that adhd doesn't exist okay. I just think its too easy nowadays to say oh its this, give them pills. What happened to good ole' fashion parenting? Its too easy for kids to get away with shit nowadays! And now they say oh its because they have this disease. When really its because they're spoiled with no consequences to speak of since the system has given them the power and taken it away from the parents. Now, don't get me wrong. I know that there are real dirt bag parents out there and that's why we need the system, but damn all's a kid has to do nowadays is cry abuse and BAM you have the system on your ass telling you what you can and cannot do! How to live, shit, eat and sleep! I mean for crying out loud, get a damn clue. Anyhow, sorry, now I'm off topic.
So her counselor wanted to give her meds and of course I said no because I know that there are other options out there. She hesitated, then admitted that as their diets are not proven it could help, but that to give her coffee to sip on throughout the day. lol Yep, you read that right. Coffee! Well, hell to me that's WAY better than giving her meds. So we are on day 3. Haven't really seen a change. So I've written a letter to all of her teachers asking them to once a week at least, to email me any changes if any. Since that is where she is for most of her day.
Honestly, though, it's her just using the fear and the system to get her way. I don't know. Any advice?
I'm trying to be a better person. I ended last year being a bitter, crabby, resentful person. I woke up pissed off, ate lunch pissed off, went to bed pissed off, repeated. Day in and day out. Today I decided that I can't keep living in anger and annoyance all the time. It really is exhausting being irked by every single little thing, and then the anger only keeps me awake at night. I'm already exhausted enough from dealing with general insomnia. Do I really need to add to it?
It may take some getting used to on my end, but I'm trying. There's no point in getting irrationally upset at things that can't be controlled or aren't going to change. I'm not saying I'll be perfect at this new mindset, but I can at least try.
When my mom found out that she had cancer she says she knew she'd be ok. After surgery she started chemo. Since June has been a almost constant rollercoaster of appointments, up & down emotions, worry, helplessness & so much more. The last three treatments have hit her hard. The side effects...oh boy! She's slower, in pain & just so horrible to witness. Part of me just wants her to quit the treatment & a bigger part wants her to fight no matter what so I can still have her here with me. The past 2 weeks I think it all just hit me. All the appointments, chasing, information, lack of good sleep & watching her suffering is breaking me down. One minute I'm okay then the next I feel lost and don't know what to do. I cant concentrate for long. My brain is constantly moving from one thing to another, to another...jumping around & forgetting things.
I went to the Doctor last week &, was told my one medication wasn't working well with my other meds. Which can explain some of the things above or is it just the situation with mom...I don't know for certain. It doesn't compare to what she is going through. I'm praying this has all been worth it for her & I. She sees the doctor in a week or so. I know she can't handle more treatments. I'm torn but I know I'll tell her not to if they say she needs more. I can't and won't ask her to keep fighting like this. She's said if it's her time she's ready. Then, I guess, I'll have to learn & fight my heart to be able to live without her. God be with us both.
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I sit here looking at these two little puppies (or as I like to call them 'poopies') that we are sitting for our wonderful neighbors and I am reminded what it is like to have animals in the house. Growing up I always had some kind of animal to play with and care for but besides the in between pets like bun buns (our bunny), the accumulation of rats, and a crazy black cat I called midnight, there were mostly dogs. We had mutts -- which personally I think are the best type of dog-- and my sister and I had the task of walking them, feeding them, and making sure they did not escape to make babies with the neighborhood dogs . There was Bubba... our Schnauzer cockapoo mix that thought he was the toughest on the planet but was only pint sized. Then we had bigger mixed breeds like Sheila... our golden retriever and pit bull mix, and Lily... a pup I found abandoned and gave a home to... she was a cocker spaniel mix and the sweetest dog ever. There were many others in between that were just as awesome and loving.
While I don't miss waking up all hours of the morning and night to take them on walks... I do miss the unconditional love that dogs give. They are always excited to see you when you walk through the door, wanting to be pet and loved all the time, and are never judgmental (unlike cats ).
It has been almost a decade without a dog in the house, but we always spoil our neighbors dogs.
Maybe we will get one soon... right @Brian Klein ?
I believe everyone should own a dog at some point in their lives and use their behavior of unconditional love as a way to live their own lives.
People who feel loved are happier in their lives.
Make someones life brighter.. give them a puppy!
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I been asking myself that question since i started the Chemo. I don't know who i'm asking, but it starts a verification in my mind going over all the things i've said and done to people through out my life. I feel like i understand people better, the way they act, what they say what they do and how they are going to feel when i say or do something with them. I understand why i did things wrong when i knew it wasn't right. Am i done yet? have i learned what i was supposed to learn ? I feel i have and its like i'm just waiting to die now. Does things just go dark? or do we float out our bodies and meet with someone thats going to explain to us why we had to go through all this crap. I was never rich, I have never met a truely happy rich person. I've had an apartment, a truck, my own business for years, i've lived in a tent for two years. I have always felt the same feelings... good at times... bad at times....always more interested in why other people do what they do. I found faults in people ( in my opinion ) and always thought.... why aren't they like me ?. Did i judge people and find things i didn't like, to make me feel better about myself?
I am finally at a point nearing the end of my life, that it's not about what people think of me, and it's not about what i find wrong with other people. It's about Me learning how to get through this all. Why wasn't i told all this when i was a young kid ? and then i could have started with a better understanding how to live this life? maybe i was told but i chose not to listen to my parents because i always thought i knew or i would figure it out myself.
I get 4-5 blood tests a month now, and they moved my MRI's to once a month instead of 6 months, and i will be starting my 3rd round of Chemo very soon. Why are the doctors trying to save me ? and why am i allowing this? I feel like i'm just laying here in bed daily doing nothing but waiting to die. I'm not really depressed ( in my opinion ) I just feel like i'm done! there's really left to study that will benefit me in the future. I'm just keeping myself busy so i don't go stir-crazy. I would never kill myself, that's just bailing out of this life because it's too hard to deal with. Ok i have delt with it, liked some things, disliked some things, learned alot of stuff. Am i done yet ?